PERSONAL JOURNAL / Moving On 

Ready to Pop the Question?
Hold Off Until You've Done the Interrogation

By JEFFREY ZASLOW
Staff Reporter of THE WALL STREET JOURNAL

If you have an engagement ring in your pocket, with plans for a memorable Valentine's Day, you might want to hold off asking, "Will you marry me?"

Instead, consider these less romantic but more crucial questions

After we get married, will you maintain contact with past lovers? Whose advice will you accept first, mine or your mother's? If we have two cars, who drives the newer one? Has anyone ever had reason to be afraid of you? Do you put other people down to make yourself feel better? Does my nose hair bother you?

Whew! It's no longer the institution of marriage. It's the inquisition.

As researchers, religions, marriage counselors and worried parents search for ways to help marrying couples avoid divorce, many are determining that the answer may lie in the questions.

A "pre-marital inventory" developed at the University of Minnesota is now administered by clergy and counselors world-wide. Other researchers are studying divorced couples to see which questions they wish they had asked before taking the leap. And several states have new programs encouraging young couples to postpone marriage until they hash out issues.

Meanwhile, marital-advice Web sites are loaded with loaded questions. One adviser will even suggest personalized questions you can ask. Her fee $1.50 per minute on the phone.

Can physical violence to a mate be justified? What will we do if our child is born with a disability? Are you uncomfortable with women in high-paying jobs? When we drive together, who gets the wheel?

"The majority of divorce-causing issues already exists before the wedding," says Corey Donaldson, who interviewed 600 divorced people for his book "Don't You Dare Get Married Until You Read This!" Having the stomach to ask hard questions, he says, prevents future heartache.

Some questions seem unnecessary. Ask them anyway, says Mr. Donaldson. For instance Have you ever had a homosexual experience? "One woman told me she never thought to ask that," he says. "Had she known, she wouldn't have married her husband, who later left her for a man."

Among the most telling questions Would you ever consider trading in your engagement ring for a bigger, better diamond? In a 1988 poll of 200 new brides by Diamond Cutters International, 46% said yes and 54% said no.

Now, 15 years later, these women have been polled again. Of those who in 1988 were willing to trade up their diamonds, 81% are now divorced. Of the sentimental types who said they'd never trade their rings, 78% remain married today. The results suggest that people who are "hard-wired" to upgrade rings also may be driven to upgrade cars, houses and eventually, spouses, says psychiatrist Francisco Montalvo, who monitored the study.

Naturally, all of these questioning exercises are dependent on honesty. Before Jim Bilello of Mundelein, Ill., got married in 1983 at age 23, he and his fiancée attended Catholic marriage-encounter sessions. He was too immature and insecure to be honest, he says.

The marriage soon ended in divorce. Three years later, Mr. Bilello met his second wife in a co-dependent support group, where he learned to answer painful questions. He talked openly about how his dad's suicide and a dysfunctional childhood affected his relationships.

Daniel Caine, president of Family Law Software, Inc. (www.FamilyLawSoftware.com), a financial-planning firm for divorcing couples, says divorce is rooted in five areas insecurity, money, communication, clash of values and insufficient separation from family. He recommends asking Are you comfortable with my religious observance? My family? My urge for wealth? "Opposites attract," he warns, "but that doesn't mean they stay together."

Of course asking the right premarital questions doesn't guarantee a thriving relationship. And some couples who aren't perfectly aligned in major areas can still succeed. Their secret a strong dialogue. The Minnesota inventory helps by ranking the severity of couples' differences. You can sample the survey free of charge at www.lifeinnovations.com.

Jon Messersmith, 34, of Mount Vernon, N.Y., recently got divorced, partly because he and his wife were independently pursuing entrepreneurial careers. The ventures didn't work out, putting strain on a young marriage. Among questions Mr. Messersmith says he'll ask in the future If one of us meets with unexpected success or failure at work, how will it affect our relationship?

Before getting married in 1995, Clayton Gurnett asked his father, "Am I doing the right thing?" His dad replied "Do you love her?" Mr. Gurnett responded "She's a good person. She'll make a good mother."

"He should have stopped me right there," Mr. Gurnett now says. His dad agrees.

The marriage failed, and before remarrying in 2001, Mr. Gurnett decided to ask and answer many vital questions. He and his bride, Sumi, even wrote questions into their wedding ceremony, including, "Am I doing the right thing?" They answered "yes" without hesitation. "I looked at my dad," Mr. Gurnett recalls, "and he was bawling."

Valentine's Day is considered the year's busiest proposal day. But you still have time if questions remain Will you share my crazed enthusiasms just because they're mine? Is there something about you that you hope I never find out? Do you want me to call out your name during lovemaking?

Granted, asking hardball personal questions is uncomfortable, unromantic and awkward. "But so is divorce," says Mr. Donaldson. "Which do you prefer?"