Family Law Software - Help with divorce law, child support, alimony and emotional issues. (formerly known as Split-Up Software)

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Table of Contents

Table of Contents for Life Issues

The links here provide extensive help on all aspects of the emotional divorce, including understanding your marriage, deciding to divorce, divorce strategy, the legal process, separation, the emotions of divorce, the negotiations of divorce, helping the children, and remarriage and blended families.

           First Steps
                What happens -- what is the legal process?
                     Filing a Petition.
                          Advantages of being first to file
                     Serving a Summons.
                          What if a spouse can not be found?
                     Filing a Response.
                     Filing Motions.
                          Motion for a protective order.
                          Motion for a restraining order.
                          Motion for alimony pendente lite.
                          Motion for child support pendente lite.
                     Why you do not want a judge to decide your case
                     Discovery.
                     Negotiations.
                     Hearing.
                     Temporary Orders.
                     Pretrial hearing.
                     Trial.
                     Judgment.
                Who will get the children?
                     The meaning of "physical custody."
                     The meaning of "legal custody."
                What can I do to get custody?
                     What does the judge care about?
                          Familiarity, care so far.
                          The children's temperaments.
                          True desire to be the custodial parent.
                          Time to spend.
                          Energy and health to take care of children.
                          Stable personality, good moral character.
                          Gender of the children.
                          Financial support.
                          Stable routine.
                          Quality of schools.
                          Quality of recreation areas.
                          Quality of friends.
                     How should I interact with my spouse?
                          Specific Strategies
                     How should I interact with my children?
                     How should I deal with new friends and lovers?
                     How should I handle myself?
                     How should I deal with my job?
                          Handling a current job.
                          Getting a new job
                     Where should I live?
                     How should I regard the judge's first "temporary order" about custody?
                          Preparing for a custody hearing
                               Dress for court
                               Prepare your arguments
                               Gather your documentation
                               Courtroom conduct
                What will happen with alimony, support, and our assets?
                     What will happen with child support?
                     How is the child support amount determined?
                     Does the state help collect child support payments?
                     Can child support payments be modified?
                     Can I get child support before the divorce is final?
                     What will happen with alimony?
                          How is the alimony amount determined?
                          Does the state help collect alimony payments?
                          Can alimony payments be modified?
                          Can I get alimony before the divorce is final?
                     What will happen with property division?
                          List of community property states
                What can I do to come out better financially?
                     Advice that is traditionally aimed at men.
                          Hide All Your Financial Records.
                          Empty your joint checking account.
                          Get a Post Office box.
                          Empty Your Safe Deposit Box.
                          Sell Your Stamp and Coin Collections.
                          Consider making a new will.
                          Defer your bonus.
                          Defer a raise.
                          If you are self-employed, lower your business income.
                          Check all phone numbers.
                               Reverse phone directory
                     Advice that is traditionally aimed at women.
                          Establish credit in your own name
                          Get copies of all financial records.
                          Open your own checking account.
                          Get a post office box.
                          Take an inventory of the safe deposit box.
                          Inventory the stamp and coin collections.
                          Consider making a new will.
                          Make a list of all your assets.
                                    Ways to locate hidden assets.
                          Get the car in working order.
                          Get medical and dental work up to date.
                          Be aware of the status of your tax refund.
                          Get clothes you will need for work.
                          Perhaps redecorate your home.
                          Buy a new car with a high resale value.
                          Make a list of everything that is in your home.
                          Check all phone numbers.
                          Cultivate sources of information.
                How can I deal with my fears and my spouse's threats?
                     The threat of physical harm (usually by the husband).
                     The threat to contest custody (usually by the husband).
                     The threat to declare bankruptcy or quit his job (usually by the husband).
                     Kidnapping of the children.
                          Why a temporary custody order helps prevent kidnapping.
                          Notebook to keep if you fear kidnapping
                Should I stay in our home?
                     During the separation, does it matter whether I move out or my spouse moves out?
                     Can my spouse force me out because I asked for the divorce?
                     What should I do if I feel like I'm in danger in the home?
                     If I move out, to what kind of place should I go?
                     If I stay, should I change the locks?
                What is the effect of my (or my spouse's) affair?
                     How can the financial outcomes be affected?
                          Using a reverse phone directory to track who called your home
                     How can the custody outcome be affected?
                How should I find a good lawyer and/or mediator?
                     Can I Use My Spouse's Lawyer?
                     Should I Use a Lawyer or Mediator?
                          Approach: Adversarial or Cooperative.
                          Goal: Winning or Resolving.
                          Approach to Children: Chips or Children.
                          Resolution Techniques: Courts or Discussions.
                          Negotiating Techniques. Hardball or Engagement.
                          Duration: Months or Years.
                          Cost. Bucks or Megabucks.
                          Post-Divorce Adjustments. Stuck or Flexible.
                     Choosing a Good Lawyer.
                          Style.
                          Practice.
                          Personal history.
                          Clients.
                          Instincts.
                          The lawyer's age and gender.
                          Honesty.
                          Fees.
                          Comfort.
                          Respect.
                          Interaction.
                     Where to Go For References.
                     Managing Your Lawyer.
                          Preparation pays off.
                          Ask good questions at the initial interview.
                               Is he or she accustomed to handling cases like yours?
                               What is the fee structure?
                               What other charges do I have to pay?
                               Are other lawyers working on my case?
                               What is your practice like?
                               How much courtroom experience have you had?
                               Will you seek part of your fee from my spouse?
                               How long will this take?
                               How involved do you want me to be?
                          Insist on regular billings.
                          Use your lawyer's time wisely.
                          Don't hesitate to get another lawyer.
                     Choosing a Good Mediator.
           Still Working on the Marriage
                Click here if you are pretty angry right now.
                Understanding Your Marriage
                     In-laws, Money, and Sex.
                     Confronting Our Insecurities.
                          Common Areas of Insecurity
                          Some Surprising Signs of Insecurity
                               Insecurity from the Family Where One Grew Up
                          Overcoming Insecurity
                     Recognizing Our Feelings.
                          If your mate expresses urges or feelings you suppress
                          If your spouse is impulsive and you are controlled
                     Understanding the Opposite Sex.
                          Problem Solving.
                          Dealing With Stress.
                          Accomplishment.
                          What Men and Women Want.
                          What Men and Women Fear.
                     Communicating Honestly.
                          Reasons We Don't Communicate Honestly.
                               We Are Afraid of Being Hurt.
                               We Are Afraid of Appearing Vulnerable.
                               We Want to Avoid Conflict.
                               We Are Afraid to Face Our Own Insecurities.
                          How to Communicate Honestly.
                          Some Things to Talk About.
                     Coping With Stress.
                          The Division Between Work and Home Time
                     Understanding the Influence of Family History.
                          Why People's Marriages May Mirror Their Childhoods.
                               Mirroring Important Relationships
                          Why People's Relationships With Their Mothers May Matter.
                          Defining Events That May Have Shaped You and Your Family.
                     Dealing With an Affair.
                          Signs of an Affair
                               Using a Reverse Phone Directory to Trace Calls
                          The Significance Of An Affair.
                          Reasons for having an affair.
                               People feel that they have failed, and they are looking for support or an ego-booster.
                               People are just plain angry at their spouses.
                               People (usually women) are trying to achieve an intimacy that they do not feel in their marriage.
                               People (usually men) are trying to put some distance between themselves and their spouses.
                               People long for a sense of adventure, or want to test boundaries.
                          Effects of an affair in progress.
                               Before Discovery - Hiding and Lying
                               The Discovery - A Power Shift
                               After Discovery - Details and Threats
                     Dealing With Alcohol and Drug Abuse.
                Common Marital Situations (Do You Recognize Yourself)?
                     The Strong and Silent Man And Social Woman
                     The Dependent and Depended-Upon Spouse.
                     The Invulnerable/Unflappable Spouse and the Fly-Off-the-Handle Spouse
                     A Spouse Who Can't Get Enough Intimacy and a Spouse Who Needs More Space
                     A Competent Spouse and an Incompetent Spouse
                     A Spouse Who Idealizes Former or Imagined Romances
                     The Jealous Personality.
                     The Competitive Personality
                     A Man in Mid-life crisis
                          A Man Experiencing Delayed Adolescent Rebellion
                Getting Help for the Marriage.
                     Finding a Therapist
                          What It Costs
                          The Two Schools of Marital Therapy
                          Basic Premises of Therapy.
                What Makes A Good Marriage.
                     How To Argue
                Consulting a Therapist
           Planning a Separation
                Reasons to Separate.
                Planning the Separation
                Telling Your Children About the Separation
                Who Else to Tell
                What to Say in Public
                Where to Go
                Playing Fair
           The Decision to Divorce
                Reflect on Your Marriage.
                Think About the Impact of Divorce
                Signs That a Divorce is Imminent
                Telling Your Spouse You Want a Divorce.
                Telling Children About the Divorce
                Telling Others About the Divorce
           The Feelings of Divorce
                Feelings typical of a party who decides to leave.
                Feelings typical of a party who is left.
                Feeling Exultant.
                Feeling Guilty.
                Feeling Nostalgic.
                Feeling Sexually Awakened.
                Feeling Enthusiastic for New Things.
                Feeling Self-absorbed
                Feeling Anxious
                Feeling Sad and depressed
                Feeling Lonely
                Feeling Angry
                     Common Conflicts
                     Techniques for Managing those Conflicts
                     Surprising Signs of a Shattered Ego
                     Guidelines for Keeping Post-Divorce Discussions Calm
                Feeling Wanting the Children
                Feeling Competitive With Your Ex-Spouse
                Feeling Connected To Your Ex-Spouse
           Divorce Negotiations
                Negotiations in General.
                     Preparation for the negotiations.
                     During the negotiations.
                     Negotiating for a business.
                Negotiating Custody.
                     Focus on the Children
                     Legal Custody
                     Physical Custody
                Negotiating Child Support.
                Negotiating Alimony.
                Negotiating Property Division.
                     Tax Implications of Property Division
           For the Children
                How the Children Are Feeling and Acting.
                     The Children's Feelings In General
                     Babies and Toddlers.
                     Pre-School
                     Ages 5-8
                     Ages 9-12
                     Adolescents
                     Your Children In School
                What You Can Do For Your Children.
                     Compartmentalize your Anger.
                     Cooperate With Your Ex-Spouse About the Children.
                     Practice Good Parenting.
                     Help Your Child Deal With His or Her Feelings.
                          Signs of Depression
                     Be Accepting of Your Children.
                     Provide Structure.
                     Prepare For Issues When You Date.
                     Do New Things.
                     Remember Who is the parent.
                     Give Them Space.
                Issues Around Custody and Visitation.
                     Joint Physical Custody
                Issues Around Money For the Children
           Remarriage and Blended Families
                Remarriage.
                New Relationships.
                     Step-mother.
                     Step-father.
                     In-laws.
                     Grandparents.
                     Step-siblings.
                     More relationships.
           Divorce Statistics
                Our Sources for Statistics
                1990 United States Census Bureau Data
                1971 - 1989 Wallerstein study of 60 families in the San Francisco, California area
                1979-1984 Ahrons study of 98 families in the Madison, Wisconson area
                Number of Marriages and Age at Marriage
                Frequency of Divorce by Age, Race, Education, etc.
                     Possibly Fewer Women Will Divorce Now Than a Decade Ago.
                     There is Less Divorce Among People Who Marry Later.
                     People Who Finish High School or College Are Less Likely To Divorce Than People Who Drop Out.
                     Women Who Conceive Babies Before Marriage Are More Likely to Divorce
                     In 1990, 13% of White Women Who Were Married By Age 24 Were Already Divorced By Age 24.
                     In 1990, 10% of Black Women Who Were Married By Age 24 Were Already Divorced By Age 24.
                     In 1990, 7% of Women of Hispanic Origin Who Were Married By Age 24 Were Divorced By Age 24.
                     Who Left Whom, and How They Fared, From the Wallerstein Study.
                Duration of Marriages Before Divorce
                     3.4 Years for 20-somethings.
                     4.9 Years For 30-somethings.
                     Women are Getting Divorced After Shorter Marriages Today Than Previously.
                     38% of All Divorces Occur Within the First Five Years.
                Well-Being After Divorce
                     Subsequent Relationships of the Children.
                     Fathers After the Divorce.
                     Emotional Well-Being of the Parents After the Divorce.
                     Financial Well-Being of the Parents After the Divorce.
                     Well-Being of the Children After the Divorce.
                Who Is Getting Custody
                     Overall 12% Live With the Father.
                     For Whites, 16% Live With the Father.
                     For Blacks, 6% Live With the Father.
                     For Children of Hispanic Origin, 10% Live With the Father.
                     Of Children of Divorce Who Live in 2-Parent Households, 8% Live With the Father.
                     The Ahrons Study Found Fathers Increasing Custody, and Spouses Relocating.
                Remarriage - How Many, How Soon
                     78% of women age 20-24 at divorce remarry; 54% of women age 35-39 do.
                     Seventy percent of women who eventually remarry do so within 3 years.
                     Over 40% of marriages in 1991 are remarriages for one or both parties.
                     Among white women age 35-39 in 1990 who had been divorced, 67% had remarried.
                     Among Black women age 35-39 in 1990 who had been divorced, 54% had remarried.
                     Among women of Hispanic origin age 35-39 in 1990 who had been divorced, 52% had remarried.
                     In the Ahrons study, by 5 years post divorce, 45% of mothers had remarried; 72% of fathers.
                     In the Wallerstein study, often one partner made a stable second marriage.
                Blended Families - Makeup and Feelings
                Redivorces - How Many, How Soon
                     In 1990, out of all women who had divorced and remarried, 29% had re-divorced.
                     The census bureau projects that 40% of second marriages will end in redivorce.
                     The Wallerstein Study found high rates of re-divorce as well.
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Last Update June 29, 2006
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