Life...

A Competent Spouse and an Incompetent Spouse

Occasionally, one spouse is super-competent and the other can barely move. The one who can barely move is often diagnosed with depression.

Example: Maybe Elizabeth's mother had been basically house bound. But for whatever reason, Elizabeth was terrified of being incompetent in the ways of the world. There was little danger of that. Elizabeth was extremely competent.

But Elizabeth's fear was so strong, that she paired herself with Gordon, a deeply depressed man. Elizabeth thought she was attracted to Gordon's sweet sadness and sensitive nature. In fact, though, the attraction was that whenever Elizabeth considered how badly off Gordon was, she felt soothed herself. Surely she was doing better than he was doing.

Also, by doing so much for him, she could continually prove to herself how competent she was.

Elizabeth has come to despise Gordon for his depression and his inability to get moving, though. Elizabeth does not realize that she was powerfully attracted to Gordon for that very reason.

Now, against all odds, Gordon actually starts coming out of his depression. He puts his resume out and lands a better job at better pay. He starts enjoying going to work. He starts exercising and eating better. Life is looking up.

Elizabeth, who should be thrilled, is suddenly extremely anxious. She finds herself angry at Gordon all the time. She may think of this as the long-repressed anger bubbling to the surface, now that Gordon can handle it. But in fact, it reflects an outlet for her own fears that she will become incompetent.

Elizabeth needs to learn to be comfortable that she will be sufficiently competent, and even to relax with her occasional failures.

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