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After Discovery - Details and Threats

After the discovery of the affair typically come the investigations, recriminations, and threats.

Example: Kathy becomes obsessed with knowing every detail. How long has the affair been going on? Who "started" it? How attracted is Jim to the other woman? How attracted is the other woman to Jim? What have they been doing in bed? Kathy asks Jim these questions over and over again. Oddly enough, Jim's reaction is to resent Kathy's intrusion into his "private" life.

If Kathy wants to work on her marriage, she probably will do better to talk with Jim about Jim's feelings about himself and his marriage. The only way she will really understand the affair is by really understanding her marriage.

Kathy wants to stay married to Jim, but she is tempted to threaten to divorce him, for a few reasons. First of all, she wants to punish him. Second, she wants him to realize how hurt she is. And third, she wants to send him a "wake up call," to jolt him back into the marriage.

Kathy needs to be very careful and probably should try another strategy. Oftener than not, spouses who were themselves not planning to divorce respond to a threat like that by walking out the door and never returning to the marriage.

Moreover, Kathy's angry reaction in requesting the divorce would actually reduce Jim's sense of guilt. As a result, Jim is likely to offer less alimony and child support in the ensuing negotiations.

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