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Ages 9-12
The key emotion at ages 9 through 12 is anger.
Children decide that one parent is the bad one, and they direct all
their anger against that parent.
It is important not to agree with that assessment. The
child still feels connected to both parents -- if nothing else, then
genetically. If a parent was bad, then by extension so is the child. This
can hurt the child's self-esteem at a time when the security of the
child's world is threatened.
It is important to reassure the child repeatedly that the divorce
is not his or her fault, even if the child starts saying, "I know, I know."
Other reactions and emotions:
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Vengeful. The child may seek revenge by trying in whatever ways
he can to punish the bad parent. Paul and Maureen's son Calvin has
decided that the divorce is Paul's fault. He "accidentally" breaks
things when he visits Paul. Calvin tells Paul's dates nasty things
about Paul. He yells at Paul and tells Paul what a bad person Paul
is. Maureen shares Calvin's assessment. She is very tempted to egg
Calvin on, or at least to condone his approach. However, she knows
that if she cooperates, it may backfire. When Calvin reaches adolescence,
he may deeply mourn the absence of a relationship with Paul.
Moreover, he will be angry at Maureen for depriving him of this
relationship. Also, getting stuck in anger prevents Calvin from
developing warm caring relationships. So, difficult though it may
be, Maureen encourages Calvin to see Paul as a worthwhile individual
who may not get along with Maureen but who loves Calvin. This pays
big dividends. Calvin recovers more quickly from the divorce; and
Maureen heals more quickly as well.
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Depressed. Preadolescent boys who had close relationships with
their father and no longer do are especially susceptible to depression.
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Grown-up. The child can become a little adult, providing love,
care, and companionship, to the custodial spouse. Unfortunately,
this lovely situation can have problems if taken too far. It
disrupts the child's childhood. The child never learns how to accept
love or be nurtured by others. He may end up in "caregiving" relationships,
where he gets nothing emotionally from the other partner. Also, the
adult, by leaning on the child, prevents herself from moving on.
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Feeling ill. Symptoms that can be produced by stress, such as
stomachaches and headaches are common. The children's bodies are
expressing the desire for someone to take care of them. Also, the
children may hope that if both parents see how unhappy she is, they'll
come together again. Or, perhaps they'll meet at the hospital and
decide to get back together.
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Lying, manipulations. Some children learn that no one is to be
trusted. To get what they want, or what they need, they turn to
lying and manipulations themselves.
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Distracted. School performance may drop remarkably.
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Idolizing. Pre-adolescent girls tend to idealize their fathers,
while also maintaining a clear understanding of the betrayals, missed
appointments, unkept promises, and so on.
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Afraid. Children this age are terribly afraid something
will happen to their custodial parent. They do things like throw out
the parent's cigarettes and pour alcohol down the drain.
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Vulnerable. Lacking quality time with their busy parents, these
children often receive no transmission of philosophies of life, of
values from their parents. And so they may adopt the values of TV
and the street.
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Falsely mature. If the parent treats the child as a partner, the
child may jump to adult roles. Girls pick up provocative sexual
behavior with older boys or with the mother's dates and companions.
Boys lean to swaggering, fighting, cheating, and older behavior.
This behavior shows the boy taking care of himself as a boy imagines an adult
would, instead of letting others take care of him, as is appropriate
to a boy his age.
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Stuck. Children whose parents reject them may become fixated on their
parents, instead of starting to grow apart from them.
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Repulsed. Children may react with revulsion at sexually active
parents, lacking any better way to handle the conflict. They need
asexual parents to provide a stable base from which to launch their
own gradual sexual growth at this age.
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Disclaimer: We are not giving legal advice. No warranties. We disclaim all legal liability. More...
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