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Angry
There's no getting around the anger. For many couples, anger lingers
for years. Here are some suggestions for managing it.
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Probe it. In some cases, anger is mostly a defense mechanism
against looking too closely at one's own responsibility for the
breakup. Try hard to ask yourself, "in what ways was I responsible?"
When you find an answer, you may find yourself being less angry at
your spouse. Amy realizes that she married Keith largely to escape
from her parents, but that she really wasn't ready for the
responsibilities of helping to make and maintain a home. Keith
realizes that he had a lot of anger at his mother, and that he ended
up taking it out on Amy. Once they realize these things, they are
able to put themselves in the other's shoes. And this helps them to
forgive, a bit.
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Prepare for
common conflicts
.
Keith and Amy are prepared for
the common conflicts of money, child's lifestyle (bedtime and
television), child's religion, and the amount of time each spends
with the child. They try their best to use
techniques for managing these conflicts
.
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Let it go. Amy is trying to forget about what happened
in her marriage with Keith. Every time she thinks about it, she gets
so angry and sad, that lately she's trying simply not to dwell on it.
She knows that holding on to the hurts and wrongs done to her will
be bad for her and her children. The anger can consume her
thoughts, when her thoughts could be focused on doing, new,
constructive things. Amy's goal, which she might achieve in a
couple of years, is to get to the point where thinking about Keith
does not trigger any special emotions.
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Remember the Good Times. Keith reminds himself about the good
times when they were dating and during the early months of the
marriage. Psychologists say that this helps him avoid becoming
bitter at women in general, and helps him have a healthy and
sufficiently optimistic view of relationships going forward.
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Help Your Spouse Get Help. Amy is watching for signs of
extreme behavior, such as kidnapping, wiretapping, and stalking. She
knows that such things are, surprisingly,
signs of a shattered ego
.
Amy knows that counseling to help the spouse is
more likely to improve the situation than tit-for-tat kinds of
measures. Tit-for-tat measures will only cause the spouse's anger
and extreme actions to increase. However, Amy does get court or
police protection if she feels it is necessary.
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Lose a few. Amy has been fighting with Keith about the fact
that he always arrives late to pick up the
kids and late again dropping them off. This always messes
up Amy's own schedule, costing her time at work, and time she
needed to run her errands. But Amy has decided to let Keith "win"
this one. She tries to be prepared for him to be late, and to make
productive use of the time. She thinks of it as a leak that can't be
fixed, and she just lives with it.
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Follow Discussion Guidelines. Amy and Keith try to follow a
set of
guidelines for keeping post-divorce discussions calm
.
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Disclaimer: We are not giving legal advice. No warranties. We disclaim all legal liability. More...
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