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A Spouse Who Can't Get Enough Intimacy and a Spouse Who Needs More Space

Another common situation is one where one spouse (usually the woman) constantly wants the spouses to be closer, and another spouse (usually the man) is constantly trying to get some space.

Example: Carolyn is always pushing Steven to open up and share his feelings with her. Carolyn wants to spend more time together, do romantic things, and share each other's thoughts. Steven tends to be a bit detached, a bit analytical. In response to Carolyn's need for constant togetherness, he finds he needs some more breathing room. He finds himself regularly resisting Carolyn's suggestions.

Actually, Steven does crave intimacy, but he has learned from his past that intimacy is not a permitted thing. It leads to unhappiness or betrayal. Steven's mother had pulled away from Steven at an early age. (Perhaps it was in a divorce, a death, a long illness, or the birth of a more-favored sibling). Steven learned then not to let himself become too close to anyone, or he would be hurt again. So he makes sure to obey his inner voice which tells him to be cool, and show no emotion.

However, he also has a strong desire to capture that intimacy he had with his mother as a young boy. That's what attracted him to Carolyn. And so, although he pulls away from her, he never pulls too far away.

Oddly enough, Carolyn is afraid that if Steven actually engages her in intimacy, Steven will get bored with her. So, although she pursues, she never wants to catch up.

So each of them is unhappy with the situation and is complaining about the other. But in fact, each of them is responding to inner drives that keep the situation right where it is.

To improve the situation, Steven can work on taking a risk on true intimacy, on being vulnerable. He can work on the notion that really sharing thoughts and fears is healthy, not weak.

And Carolyn can work on two things: First, she has to be willing to give Steven more space, and not be afraid of that. Second, she has to have faith that if Steven does spend time with her, that he will enjoy the experience.

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