Life...

A Spouse Who Expresses One's Own Suppressed Feelings

Let's consider a situation where Henrietta is the spouse who gets wildly angry, and Lars is the spouse who is scornful of this lack of control.

The origin of the problem may really be in Lars.

Suppose Lars had learned growing up that he had to suppress anger. Maybe the situation in Lars's house was so volatile that any angry expression by him could set everything off. Or maybe Lars's family punished expressions of anger. In any event, Lars learned that it was not permitted to appear angry.

So Lars suppressed his angry emotions. But he still became angry, and he felt an intense need to express this anger.

And so, to resolve this conflict, Lars gravitated to a person who could express anger freely, namely Henrietta. Henrietta is really relieving Lars's need to have anger expressed. Lars may even be triggering Henrietta's angry outbursts, by saying things he knows set her off. And Lars may not know why he is driven to do this.

Lars is critical of Henrietta's anger, because in his worldview, expressing anger is a sign of weakness.

As a result Lars finds himself criticizing in Henrietta the very thing he needs to learn in himself, namely, to express anger.

Among other things, it's easier and safer for him to criticize Henrietta's anger than to admit how much anger he himself is suppressing.

So what should Lars do?

Our mantra here is this: first recognize, then act.

First, Lars needs to understand the situation. Then Lars needs to learn that it's all right to express anger, and how to do it in a way that does not hurt Henrietta.

This is not easy. But it is an approach that will help him.

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