Life...

Compartmentalize Your Anger

Felice's basic message to Harold and Helene, their children, about the divorce is: "I'm very angry with your father, but that doesn't mean you have to be angry with him." Felice never denigrates Christopher in front of the children.

Here are some other suggestions to consider:

• Don't make the children take sides. Felice knows that the children need to love both parents, and they need both parents to love them. They cannot risk alienating either one. If Felice were to speak badly of Christopher, the children would feel that the parent is speaking badly of them. This is because the children see themselves as images of the other parent. And so, for the good of the children, Felice tries to remember to stress Christopher's good points, especially when she sees them in Harold and Helene.
• Don't shut out the other spouse. No matter how angry Felice gets about Christopher's household habits, his lateness, or his slow payment of support, Felice is sure to grant Christopher quality access to Harold and Helene. (Although if Christopher had abused the children, it would be another matter.) For boys, especially, the regular presence of a father is very important, to model a controlled, adult male approach to life. Also, Felice makes sure they are ready on time for Christopher, and she tries to have something for them to do in case he is late arriving.
• Don't let yourself be shut out. Christopher does not let anything stand between him and an ongoing relationship with his children. No matter what he thinks, in his dark times, about how Harold and Helene feel, and no matter what the children say, Christopher knows that they will feel terribly abandoned if he drops out of their lives. He knows that he has to convey to the children that he is a moral and caring person, and that he cares about them. During the time they spend together, Christopher shows this simply by listening to them and spending time with them.
• Know that you are irreplaceable. Christopher knows that his children will always love him. If Felice remarries, she knows that another man or woman will not be able to replace him in his children's eyes. He knows, further, that if he gives in to his doubts and anxieties and stops visiting, they will be hurt, and stripped of self-worth, regardless of what they may say to cover these feelings. Christopher knows that children may idealize an absent parent, so strong is their need to feel wanted. This is not good for the child.
• Kids should not be reporters. Neither Felice nor Christopher use your children as reporters to spy on the other.
• Permit your spouse to move on. Christopher is dating Susan the home-wrecker, whom Felice loathes. However, she does not speak ill of Susan in front of the children. Felice is aware that Susan may become a permanent part of her and her children's lives.
• Be reassuring. Felice reassures her children that she and Christopher loved each other and that the children were the products of this love. This helps give the children assurance that lasting relationships are possible.
• Welcome family. Visits to and from Christopher's parents make Felice uncomfortable. She doesn't like the way they raised Christopher. She thinks their values are repressive and old-fashioned. She knows all too well that these feelings of dislike and mistrust are mutual. Nonetheless, she encourages visitation time between Christopher's parents and the children. She sees that Christopher's parents are calming, supportive influences in the children's lives. Since Christopher's parents are still in a stable marriage, they can help reassure Harold and Helene that happy marriage is possible.
• Be honest about the divorce. Christopher is honest about the reasons for the divorce in an age-appropriate way. He tells Helene, the older daughter, that he needed to be with someone who was different from Felice. He tells Harold that his Mommy and Daddy don't like each other any more, but that they still both love him. Felice's explanation to the children echoes Christopher's. They both hope that the children can see the divorce as something that happened between Christopher and Felice, and so the children will get over their fear that Christopher or Felice will "divorce" the children.

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