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Issues Around Custody and Visitation
For the children's best interest, the key issue should not be "who
gets custody," but rather, "how do we insure that both parents are
active and involved."
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Sole versus Joint Custody. The jury is still out on whether
joint physical custody
is better than sole custody.
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Quality of time. If it is possible, you should try to give both
parents weekday time and weekend time. That way, you don't have a
"party parent" and a "disciplinarian parent."
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Frequency of time. Matthew sees the children on Wednesdays and
weekends. For their son, especially, that is much better than
giving him blocks of time in the summer and during vacations. That
is because young children like their son may start to worry about the
safety of the missing parent, and whether they are being abandoned,
after about a week.
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Be flexible. Matthew and Victoria try to be flexible to change the
custody timing if it's not working for the child or parent. Matthew
works Saturdays, now, so he arranged to keep the children through
Tuesday morning.
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Be fair. Victoria tried to give Matthew as much time as he wanted
with the children. The resulting plan feels fair to both Matthew and
Victoria. As a result it feels fair to the children as well. If it
didn't, they might end up resenting Victoria for denying them time with
their father.
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Be prepared for transfer day. Be aware that transfer day is a
time of emotional upheaval for the kids, and sadness for the spouse
who is giving up the children. Some children cling to the current
spouse. Others take leave mentally in advance, seeming cold. When
the children come back to the custodial spouse after a weekend, they
are usually hyperactive and often sleep-deprived. They reenact the
traumatic separation all over again. They may come full of
resentments to the custodial spouse, for breaking up the marriage, or
for being a disciplinarian. All this is to be expected. Victoria tries to give
the children time alone to readjust. Also, she tries not to
get too upset about the children's reactions to her on these days.
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Enforce visitation. Sometimes Matthew's and Victoria's daughter says she doesn't want to
go to Matthew's apartment. She hates Matthew's girlfriend Susan and she's angry at Matthew as
well. There's nothing fun to do there. Victoria sympathizes deeply
with her daughter's complaints. Nonetheless, Victoria gently but firmly
requires her to stick to Victoria's agreement with Matthew. Victoria knows
that she can later discuss the issue with Matthew and also with friends
or a therapist. Her daughter needs her relationship with both parents,
regardless of what her daughter may say. (As always, if Matthew were abusive it
would be a different situation.)
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Disclaimer: We are not giving legal advice. No warranties. We disclaim all legal liability. More...
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