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Negotiating Custody

Custody negotiations can be most difficult if you view them as a contest in which one of you wins. However, they can become a lot easier if you focus on the children and try to make the children win.

Here are some constructive approaches to working on custody questions:

• Understand the two different kinds of custody: legal custody and physical custody .
• Desire Involvement. Each of you should want the other parent to be very involved, to share the hard work if nothing else.
• Share "homework time." Each parent should want mundane time (homework nights) as well as party time (weekends and summers) with the children.
• Aim for growth. Alison decides to encourage her ex-husband Glenn to grow in his relationships with the children. Glenn may not be too good with the children now. But Alison expects and encourages him to become better. She recognizes that it is in her interest that he do so. She knows that it is often the case that husbands who are more involved are more likely to understand the children's financial and educational needs and aspirations.
• Set fixed schedules. Regular, fixed schedules are very important. You and your children need stability and constancy. And you don't want to have to continually negotiate time frames.
• Resolve key issues. You probably will want a "no disparagement" clause, and to assure that each spouse is consulted on major decisions such as education, religion, health care, dental care. You may also want to consider a "no move" clause, stating that a spouse may not move without consent of the other spouse or a court.

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