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During the Negotiations
Here are some tips to keep in mind during your negotiations.
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Negotiate in person. Things go more slowly (and more
expensively) if you are negotiating through lawyers. There's more
chance for distortion, for emotions to become inflamed, and for
positions to harden. You can use lawyers or mediators, but if
you can be civil to each other and forgive each other just enough,
you can resolve matters much more quickly and satisfactorily in
person than working through third parties.
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Keep emotions out of it. Try not to start or be drawn into
discussions of who was at fault during the marriage. Kristin finds
herself telling Francis that if he hadn't been so easily offended and
prone to quiet rages, then they wouldn't be in this mess. Francis
responds that if she hadn't been such a judgmental, critical, lazy
woman, that he wouldn't have had a problem. But somehow they
recover themselves. They manage to avoid getting locked into a
vicious circle.
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Try to think "outside the box." Try to find creative ways to split or
manage things. Find ways to give each party what he or she really
needs. Ask yourself "why do I really want this item (or amount)" and then explain
it to your spouse.
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Wrap it up. Many negotiations founder at the last minute over
the smallest things. It has been the dog, the family
candlesticks, a particular picture or rug. That's because one spouse
really isn't ready for the divorce. That spouse, who has been
reasonable to this point, suddenly becomes irrational, because
resolving the last point means that the divorce will become final.
Therapists advise patients to summon the strength to go on, let go
of the marriage, and wrap up the negotiations. When you're toward the
end of the negotiation, focus on how far you have come. Recognize
that the remaining concessions might be fairly small in the scheme
of things.
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Get it in writing. Try to specify as many details as you can
and write them down. Take notes as to what was agreed and what
else was discussed on a laptop PC. If you can, print
and distribute these notes to everyone before you leave, and you
should all go over them right there. This prevents
misunderstandings about what was agreed from springing up later.
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Turn down the pressure. You might want to ask for a 48-hour
consideration period, during which you can both back out of what
you agreed to. This helps people take risks for compromise during
the discussions.
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Disclaimer: We are not giving legal advice. No warranties. We disclaim all legal liability. More...
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