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Step-Mother
The step-mother relationship is one of the trickiest there is.
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Expect resentment from the kids. Paula, a new step-mother, knows
that the children
resent her, because she has "replaced" their mother in their father's
eyes. Because Paula is younger than their mother Heather (as is often the case),
the kids continue to feel betrayed on behalf of Heather. However, if the
children want their father, Scott, to be happy, and if they think Paula is a good
person who will make him happy, then they may end up welcoming her.
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Don't try to replace their mother. Paula knows well enough not
to attempt to replace Heather, the children's mother. She does not
compete with Heather, speaks well of Heather, and cooperates with Heather
as much as she possibly can. The children appreciate those things.
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Challenges of parenting. For a younger child, Paula sometimes finds
herself in the role of having to be a parent. The children are
visiting, Scott is working, and Paula is preparing meals or
supervising homework. This is extremely tricky terrain. Paula tries
to uphold existing standards set by Scott and Heather. Paula will be
more parental, and have more success being parental, the younger are
the children, the closer in age she is to Scott, and the more the
children stay with Scott and Paula.
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Challenges of an adolescent. It sometimes happens that the new
spouse is only ten years or so older than the oldest child. In this case,
the step-mother is tempted to become a buddy with the oldest child.
This is fine, to a point. The adolescent girl may even feel more
comfortable sharing details of her social life that she can not share
with her mother. But this has to be a one way street. The
step-mother should
not
share intimate details with her step-daughter.
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Challenges of new children. If Scott and Paula have another
child, the older children will feel very left out. Scott will tend to
be very focused on this new child, as, of course, will Paula. Scott
has to work very hard to be sure to continue to make the older
children feel wanted and loved.
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Challenges of the ex-spouse. Because of the marriage, Heather now
has a "family"-type relationship with Paula. The more Heather can put
aside all her emotions toward Paula and work with her for the good of
the children, the better off the children will be. Some couples that
are bound together this way are actually reasonably cordial toward
each other -- although this is much less likely where the man had
dated the second wife during his first marriage. Heather must work hard to
refrain from trying to find out about Scott's new marriage. But if she
manages it, everyone will probably be happier as a result.
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Husband gets in the middle. Scott is now in the middle. Often
he's the referee, between Paula, who wants the kids to eat their
vegetables (for example), and the kids who don't. It's a no-win
situation for Scott, as he can't afford to alienate either side. The
best Scott can do is to call them as he sees them, then talk it over
separately with the "losing" side afterward, basically to assure them
of his continuing love.
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Disclaimer: We are not giving legal advice. No warranties. We disclaim all legal liability. More...
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