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Telling Children About the Divorce

Curtis and Grace know that their children will always remember the moment when they were told about the divorce.

In a way, this is also the first instance of the post-marriage parenting Curtis and Grace will do together. As such, it will set the tone for the rest of their post-marriage relationship.

It is extremely difficult to do this well, because Grace is so upset that Curtis is leaving, and Curtis is so angry at Grace. This aspect, too, is a sample of what the coming days (and perhaps years) are going to be like.

But here is how Curtis and Grace cooperate to make this announcement as easy as possible for the children:

• They tell the children together. This makes the process somewhat orderly and somewhat less frightening for the children. Curtis does not just disappear in the night, leaving the children to wake up to a house in which Daddy is gone.
• They are deliberate. Curtis and Grace explain that they came to this decision jointly, thoughtfully, and sadly. They emphasize that they know it will be difficult for the children. They tell the children that they were aware of this when they made their decision. They tell the children now that they both are sorry for the hurt the divorce will cause them.
• They are clear. Curtis and Grace do everything they can to convey, calmly, that there will not be a reconciliation. They know that reconciliation is an almost-universal, very persistent fantasy of the children of divorce.
• They are concrete. Curtis and Grace fill the children in on the logistics. Curtis will be moving to an apartment in the same town, so he can stay near the children.
• They explain their reasons. Curtis and Grace tell the children that they no longer love each other, and that in fact they are hurting each other. Curtis and Grace decide not to mention Curtis's paramour Susan. (Later, they will tell the oldest child simply that Dad has already met another woman who he is going to be seeing.) They know that opinions differ on how much to tell about the causes of the breakup, especially if there was a third party involved.
• They are affirming. Curtis and Grace try to help the children feel that they were not a mistake. They add, "the marriage was a mistake, but we loved each other once, and you children came out of that love." Curtis and Grace assure the children over and over again that the children were not the cause of the breakup.
• They are mature. Curtis and Grace are careful to seal off their feelings for each other. They do not defend themselves or accuse each other in front of the children.
• They are loving. Curtis and Grace reassure the children that they love the children and will continue to love them. They explain that love for one's children is different than love for spouses or any other people, and that one's love for one's children never dies.
• They are gracious. Curtis and Grace explicitly give their children permission to love both their parents, even though their parents do not love each other any more.
• They are understanding. Curtis and Grace understand that the children will be very upset about the divorce, even though there has been some yelling and a very tense atmosphere in the home for years. Curtis and Grace also understand that their children probably will not hear a single word of their carefully-planned remarks once Grace says, "Your father and I have decided that we are going to be divorced." They are prepared to repeat the messages they delivered this day over and over again in the days and years to come.
• They are empowering. Curtis makes the children feel empowered, by taking the oldest with him to approve the new apartment before he signs the lease.
• They are inclusive. Curtis takes all the children to see his new apartment as soon as he signs the lease, even before he has begun furnishing it. He knows that this calms his children's fears about what might be happening to him. He also knows that it helps them start imagining more concretely what their future will be like.

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