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Telling Your Spouse You Want A Divorce
If you are the party who is "leaving" the marriage, here are some suggestions for preparing to tell your spouse that you want a divorce.
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There is a clear delineation in most divorces of "the leaver" and "the left." The leaver is usually in the
stronger position psychologically and in his or her social circle. It seems silly and adolescent, but that's
the way it works out. On the other hand, the left person feels wounded. The harder the "leave-taking"
statement, the worse the wound. The worse the wound, the more likely to trigger "wounded-animal" type
behaviors. Think carefully about how you want to do this.
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Prepare for all sorts of guilt to be laid on you (bad wife or husband, bad mother or father, bad person, cruel, selfish,
etc.), and for verbal abuse. Be prepared to respond calmly. Know what you will say.
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Avoid triggering your spouse's hot buttons.
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Prepare for promises to change. If you are a woman, be aware that men who are frightened, but unable to
express that emotion, may channel it into anger directed at you, or into promises to change.
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It may make sense to prepare your spouse over time. Discuss divorce as a growing likelihood.
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Do not expect alcoholism or drug abuse to change, despite promises. There is an overwhelming body of
evidence that once you say you are going to leave, your spouse's problems with alcohol or drug abuse
will become even worse. Sometimes, they become temporarily better, but, without therapy
or other interventions, they usually become worse fairly soon.
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Use "I" messages, not "you" messages. "If feel that I need to start a new life." "I feel
that this marriage is not working for me." Do not say, "You never did your share. You were a
lousy spouse." etc.
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Consider breaking this message in a public place with some privacy -- an uncrowded beach, street or
restaurant. The public setting will encourage your spouse to respond in a restrained and rational fashion.
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Break the news during the daytime. Morning is best.
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Break the news when you are both sober and drug-free, if possible.
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Be confident. Walk firmly. Be physically as much at eye-level as possible. Speak calmly. Be
prepared to drain yourself of anger before you begin, and during the conversation if you feel it
welling up. You can feel sorrow, yes. Anger, no.
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During the conversation, take deep breaths to relax.
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If you have children, assure your spouse that he or she is still father or mother to the children
and that this is important to you. Bolster his or her esteem in any reasonable, honest way you can.
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Don't listen to abuse if you can avoid it. Say "I understand how you feel, but I do not
think it helps either of us to have you go on this way" and leave or hang up.
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Don't get angry. Don't take the bait when he or she presses your hot buttons.
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Speak right away about telling the children together, calmly. This is important
for the children.
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Often it is best, after the "I want a divorce" conversation, for immediate physical
separation. You should have a place to go selected, even if you hope to remain in the home. You
can go there if your spouse refuses to leave.
Click here for more on where to go.
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If you fear a physical response, you may have to just leave, and perhaps not let your
spouse know where you are.
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Disclaimer: We are not giving legal advice. No warranties. We disclaim all legal liability. More...
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