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The Dependent and Depended-Upon Spouse

In this relationship, one spouse is very dependent upon the other for nurturing and all kinds of care giving.

Example: Jennifer is a very insecure woman, and she feels she is not worthy of Martin's (or anyone's) love and support.

To be in a relationship at all is very important to Jennifer's self-image, because it gives her some sense of self-worth. Jennifer will do almost anything to keep a relationship. Jennifer manipulates Martin into giving her supporting kinds of statements, saying things like, "I did that just terribly" or "I'm just no good at that kind of thing." Martin usually responds with phrases like, "You did just fine," or "Oh no, you're very good at that."

Martin also has a low sense of self-esteem. But the fact that Jennifer depends on him makes him feel a bit stronger himself.

Here's a different example: Martin is a mess. He's very disorganized and irresponsible. If it weren't for Jennifer's high-octane care, he would never get through the day. Psychologists have a name for this situation: "the caretaker and the wounded bird." Jennifer is the caretaker. Martin is the wounded bird.

Jennifer feels that as long as Martin is totally dependent on her, then Martin will never abandon her. Despite her apparent (and often actual) competence, Jennifer has a very low self-esteem. She thinks that Martin accepts her only for her services, so she's glad she can do so much for him. In fact, this relationship can be quite stable until Martin starts to develop his own competence. Then Jennifer does all kinds of things that undermine Martin's recovery and reinforce the image of him as helpless.

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